He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
