Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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