i just wanna soil my oats bro
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
