it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
