i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
