already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
