I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
