She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
