you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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