I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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