If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I can't turn off my feet"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Pants are for mortals
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