She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
