idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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