you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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