Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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