I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
