she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
