This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
