I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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