Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
