Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
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