he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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