My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i will never coherently bang her
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
