Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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