What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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