Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
