so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
