The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
