The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
