The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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