If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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