so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
