I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
