Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
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its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
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There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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