My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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