i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
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I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
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She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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