remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
