I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
