please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
