I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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