Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She's the barista slut.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
