Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
