Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
