the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
