Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
