Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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