I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
