hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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