my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
