I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
