let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
