im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
