Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
