I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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