I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
