So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
